I’m at an emotional low right now, so maybe later I’ll feel differently about these words I’m about to write.

I’m drained.

From the ever-present pressure to counter seemingly hostile stares with a smile. From being so done with some people. From just feelings of unrest. Sometimes when the preschoolers are chasing me during recess, I just wanna lie down and let them pile on top of me. Part of me thinks it sucks that I’m only halfway through my time in Rwanda. My best friend here is about to leave me. Part of me just wants to go home.

But the other part of me nudges my spirit on with hope. A hope that my present hardships are building me up as they always have in the past. A flower blooms only after its seed ruptures with pressure. Gold purifies through fire. I know my experiences are shaping me into a man. I can’t forget that I really am living the opportunity of a lifetime. My mother always tells me, “When you’re down, count your blessings.” Let me try to do that.

Blessings:
1. Best food I’ve ever had. Seriously. Everything is fresh. So fresh. That’s why it takes over an hour for your food to come at any restaurant. They probably just slaughtered the chicken you’re eating. Endless avocadoes, goat brochettes, fried potatoes, tender fish, everything is delicious.
2. Nshobora kuvuga Kinyarwanda. (I can speak Kinyarwanda). I’ve never before experienced the transition from an absolute inability to communicate to miraculous moments of comprehension. It’s just amazing to be able to tell the preschoolers, “Kwiruke ku ishuri” (Let’s run to school!), and to understand when they say “Reba, reba!” (Look, look!) at their coloring pages. I spend so much time making them learn English, it’s only fair for me to learn a fraction. The faces of local adults spectacularly brighten up when they hear a muzungu speaking their language.
3. I am immersed in the tender world of children. Despite their infinite level of energy and constant desire to climb on top of you, PREFER’s children are beautiful. They love to learn, they love to sing, and I think they love me. I’m so lucky I get to live surrounded by joy.
4. I’ve encountered a beautiful complexity. When I first arrived, it was easy to bunch everyone together as pretty similar, especially because of the language barrier. However, with time, I’ve been amazed at the layers I continue to unravel from individuals I’ve gotten to know. From the youngest child to the mature adult, I’m constantly surprised when I discover a new aspect of someone’s character. It’s a precious thing, to understand a soul from another country and culture. I am reminded of the beauty in diversity.
5. My eyes are opening to the state of dental health in Rwanda. I’ve had the opportunity to visit University of Rwanda’s School of Dentistry in Kigali, which will graduate their first class of dentists next year. On my first visit, I had the opportunity to speak with their Dean and glean from his perspective of educating rural communities of Rwanda. On my second visit, I attended a human rights training with the dental students, where I got to better understand individual student’s visions and values, and obtained an inside look to the university’s education programs. I’ve also gotten to survey 100 primary six students and 60 adults about how they care for their teeth, and better understand their access to dental care and supplies. As I taught them about oral anatomy, physiology, and reminded them of proper brushing, teacher Nadine said this was probably the best thing they could learn about. That meant a lot.
6. Jesus loves me. Maybe I’m whispering this to myself for my own sake, but it’s a truth that will always withstand the most painful of times. “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

It’s funny how differently I read the Bible when I’m down. Today, I finally opened a letter my mom wrote me, which I had sorta kept for an emotional time lol. Within the letter, she pointed me to Ephesians 3:17-19 “That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.” From my current state of mind, the importance of being grounded in love just became that much more apparent. In love, there is no anxiety. In love, there is no fear. In love, there is Christ alone.